Already Gone,
by TheEliteLabRatsLover
Summary: Five times Cisco didn't care how he treated Barry, and the one time he realized he did. Only it was a little too late...
1. Chapter 1

**Hey...how's life? So, this plot bunny just hopped into my head and I just could not ignore it. So, this isn't meant to bash Cisco or anything, but this is kind of what I think was going on inside of his head with the whole Flashpoint thing. I'm kind of proud how it turned out; excluding the ending, I think it sucks. Now, if you want more chapters, you gotta' let me know with a review. ;) I'm tempted to do more chapters, and I'm also tempted to write another story exactly like this one; but in Barry's P.O.V. So, yeah, lemme' know what ya' want. ;)**

 **And for all of you have been patiently waiting for the next update of _Seventy Two Hour Insomnia_...I'm afraid that you're going to have to be patient even longer. :( I promise that I'm not giving it up! It's just that life is crazy hectic right now. Between school, up-cycling and countless other things, I don't really have the time. Now I've had these three stories written up for a while, but I haven't had the time to put them up. Crazy hectic.**

 **And also, listen to like, your saddest song during this. I listened to a few, but my main one was "sad song for broken hearts" on YouTube. So yeah, make sure that you do that! ;)**

 **So yeah, I hope you understand and please enjoy and leave a review! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I own no part of this.**

* * *

The first time it happens, Cisco barely notices.

He's too busy caught up in a fit of rage to notice the tears that silently streak down Barry's cheeks.

He had just yelled at him; again. And shoved him out of the away, muttering something about Barry's incompetence, and how Cisco could have ever have become his friend. Now, Cisco realizes that it was really just ridiculous.

Barry didn't mean to do it; he had made an honest mistake. Cisco can barely even remember what _exactly_ Barry had done to make Cisco so mad. But really, it wouldn't take much, because Cisco's anger towards the man was already at its boiling point.

And it wouldn't take much for that volcano of emotion to erupt; sending anger and hatred spewing out everywhere. Causing destruction and devastation amongst all of the individuals around him; but to especially Barry.

One man who had been the cause of it all.

Or had he?

Cisco ignores the broken and dejected look on Barry's face, because really, he couldn't care less right now. He's too caught up in his hatred for the man to really even care what happens to him.

The words that come out of Cisco's mouth is surely full of hatred, he's not even sure what he did say; he doesn't remember. He just knows that whatever it is, it hits home. And soon the tears are streaming down Barry's cheeks.

Good.

Cisco believes that Barry deserves it.

...

The second time it happens, Cisco is walking down the hall of Star Labs, mindlessly messing with something on his tablet.

It's midnight, but Cisco was busy working on a pointless project for something or other.

He doesn't know or care, he just wants something caffeinated to help him. He yearns for the taste of coffee so that he can keep going. Insomnia was a natural occurrence for him after a tough mission.

The Flash had gone after a man who could control memories, with Cisco and Caitlin in the background helping Barry for assistance. Basically, what the man could do was temporarily paralyze any human being, and play all of their worst memories right before their eyes.

Not just in their minds, but in their _consciousness_.

It was like they were reliving them all over again.

And the man, who Cisco had forgotten the name he'd picked out for him, it was in the middle of the night, he couldn't help his loss of memory, had done exactly this to Barry. But the thing is, the memories don't stop until each and every horrendous memory has fully played out.

There was nothing anybody could do to stop it.

When Barry had finally returned from a failed fight, Cisco had practically chewed him out for messing up the mission again, just like Cisco claimed Barry always did. It took Joe yelling at Cisco to stop, for him to actually quit. Cisco hadn't even cared that Barry had just been through his own worst kind of hell.

Cisco didn't know why he had done that; perhaps it was his way to blow off some steam since they had failed a mission. Joe had tried to make Cisco apologize, but Barry had shrugged it off, saying that it was no big deal.

Cisco hadn't even cared enough to notice that the light in Barry's eyes had darkened, dimmed. Cisco had simply ignored it, because after all, didn't he hate the man? So when he was walking down the hall and heard quiet sniffling, like somebody was crying, Cisco had decided to check it out.

He glanced into the one of the side rooms, one no one used, he wasn't even sure why it was still there, and was surprised to find Barry sitting on the floor, back pressed up against the wall, head tilted back as his knee was pulled up by one hand, and his eyes were closed; tears streaming down his cheeks as his fingers moved over each other aimlessly.

Cisco clenched his jaw, ignoring the sight and walked on quietly; pretending he had never even see it. He put one thought in his head and focused on that one thing only.

 _Where was some coffee_?

...

The third time it happens, Cisco had almost felt a hint of remorse at his actions.

But then that deep loathing for Barry took it's place. Earlier that day, Cisco had given Barry the cold shoulder, claiming that Barry didn't need his help. Claiming that he wouldn't _ever_ need Cisco's help, because the Flash could take care of himself.

After all, he only seemed to care about himself.

Barry had simply nodded with a swallow, and let Cisco be by himself. The light in Barry's eyes, once again darkening. But Cisco didn't really care, because for one thing, he didn't believe that the light in Barry Allen's eyes could ever disappear, and secondly, he was too caught up in that mind blocking hatred to even notice the impact of his actions.

It had been a day off for Team Flash, meaning that everybody could have just a regular day; as long as there were no emergency calls. But that night, Cisco had realized that he had forgotten his tablet at the facility. He had entered with one of his keys, and had grabbed his tablet.

But on the way out, he had thought that he'd heard a sound of a...thud?

Almost like a continuous thud and a pounding. Out of curiosity and only a slight suspicion of an intruder, Cisco had made his way towards the noise, and had found himself ending up at the gym where Barry trained.

He entered the doorway, the room almost completely dark except for a small corner where the noise was coming from. There, standing in the corner of the room, was Barry, pounding away at a punching bag at lightning speed.

Light, but strategic hits placed on the bag as Barry breathed heavily and practically bounced along the ground all around the bag. Cisco frowned, puzzled as to why Barry was here, training, when it was his day off.

But suddenly Cisco realized, that maybe it wasn't about training, but a way of self-release.

He was snapped out of thoughts when he literally heard a loud _snap_ and heard Barry grunt in pain as he stopped and recoiled back; clutching his hand. It was only then did Cisco realize that Barry's hands were bleeding. And apparently they had been for a while, because the bag and the floor surrounding him was painted in a coat of red.

Cisco winced as he realized that Barry had just broken a finger. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was when Barry put the finger between his teeth and _yanked_.

A loud crunch was heard and Cisco felt nausea building up in his stomach at the sound and concept of Barry _resetting his own broken finger_.

Barry hissed in pain, before shaking his head and wringing out his hands. He then proceeded to punch the bag just like before. Cisco frowned and lightly shook his head; not bothering to question the meaning behind the whole occurrence. After all, wasn't this a fair punishment for the man? Cisco forced himself to believe it. The man had killed his brother.

 _Not intentionally_.

A small voice whispered from the back of his mind and he clenched his jaw, willing past that thought and continuing on his way down the hall to the outdoors where he would get in his vehicle and drive home. He would do his best to forget that this night even happened.

Little did he know that in the morning, when everybody swarms Star Labs once again, that the training room would be completely clean; any previous occurrences officially wiped from existence.

Much like Cisco's brother had been.

...

The fourth time it happens, Cisco finds the words leaving his mouth without any consent. Almost like he's become so used to it, he doesn't even realize what he's saying. It just happens. Barry's just awoken from unconsciousness after a nearly lethal fight with a meta-human.

He had gotten pretty banged up, but had once again survived a deadly fight. Cisco had actually felt relief for a moment, before that same powerful, loathing settled in now that Barry was actually all right. Barry was alive, so Cisco didn't have any regrets, he could keep on treating him the same.

Caitlin was checking on Barry after he had woken up, and Cisco was in the same room, at the computers like always; not really paying any attention, because he really couldn't care less.

"You nearly died," He heard Caitlin saying in that serious voice of hers. Cisco's fingers continued typing.

"It's all in a day's work," Barry's raw, and abnormally low voice declares, and Cisco finds himself rolling his eyes at the words for no apparent reason. But does there have to be any reason?

"You're _very_ lucky to be alive, Barry." Caitlin says, and Cisco feels that same extreme hatred filling him again, making his head unclear. He cuts in before anyone has the chance to speak.

"Unlike Dante. But we all know the reason for that, now don't we?" He questions in a dangerous tone, and sees Barry's jaw clench and that same dejected look enter his eyes.

"Cisco..." Caitlin begins to say, but he cuts her off by standing up and walking out of the room in one swift motion. He doesn't care what she has to say. He doesn't care that Barry nearly died and the first thing Cisco says to him afterwards is an insult. He doesn't care about what he just did.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care, he doesn't _care_. He's just too angry to feel anything other.

Little did he know that those words were finally enough to shatter the light in Barry's eyes and break the hero.

...

The fifth time it happens, Cisco is beyond shocked to see it. He never once believed that it would come to this. He accidentally stumbles upon it in the lab one day. He had believed that he was the only one at Star Labs at the time, but he soon found out that he was terribly wrong.

He had walked into the main room, and found Barry holding a knife to his arm; scarlet liquid dripping off of his limbs as the knife was dragged across his arm in an experienced sweep. Barry stood by a sink, obviously not realizing that Cisco had come in, and Cisco realized for the first time that the light in Barry's eyes was...gone.

A broken and dull look replacing it. Cisco was finally able to break himself out of his stupor and spoke up, moving over to him quickly.

"Whoa, dude, what do you think you are doing?" Cisco questioned, and Barry jumped just the slightest, glancing at Cisco before rinsing the knife and his arms with his speed.

"It's nothing," Barry claimed as he rolled his sleeves down and began to walk away from Cisco.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second." Cisco said as he followed Barry. He turned around and looked at Cisco, and Cisco swallowed as he suddenly noticed. The bags under Barry's eyes were so dark, he was so much skinnier and paler than before, and his eyes...they were so... _broken_.

Cisco bit his lip and sighed. "That is not healthy. Why do you do that?" Cisco asked, but from the rapidly building, sickening feeling in his stomach, he knew the reason why.

"Why isn't it healthy? I mean, I won't ever cut too deep, because I know my job here as the Flash, and look," He said, holding out his arm and pulling his sleeve up to reveal perfectly smooth skin; not one hint of a scar, whatsoever. "It's already gone. So, why is it not healthy?" He questioned, carefully avoiding the cause of it all.

"Yeah, but, man..." Cisco trailed off, not really sure how to answer a question like that. He did have a point. How could Cisco explain to him that it _was_ bad for him? Not physically, but _psychologically_?

"Besides, I mean, what do you care about what I do?" It wasn't rude; just curious. Cisco paused, mouth hanging open for a moment. Why _did_ he suddenly care? This was the man he had supposedly hated for so long. So why did Cisco care about what Barry did? He noticed Barry watching him, a tiny hint of hope in his eyes.

"I-I don't know..." He stated quietly, and immediately wished he had said something different when he saw that small beginning of a light fade away abruptly. Barry nodded with a hard swallow before walking away; leaving Cisco to stand in the middle of the lab, confused as to what had just happened.

He had caused this...he had broken Barry.

And for no good reason.

Okay, there was a good reason, but was it good enough? Cisco found that once he thought about it, truly and actually thought about it, he realized that he would have done the same thing that Barry had done.

He suddenly felt _very_ sick and ashamed over his actions. Barry hadn't deserved all of that...it was just a way for Cisco to release all of his turmoil and anguish. He punished Barry because he felt that he needed to, and it made him feel better in the moment. But now he realizes that what he did himself, was unforgivable.

How could he have done this to Barry?

A man that he once had treated as a brother.

Maybe Barry did deserve some of it, but with the way Barry believes that everything is his own fault, and how he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders...Cisco had just made that unbelievably worse.

And he wasn't sure if there was any way to ever fix it and make amends.

...

The sixth time it happens, Cisco observes Barry quietly from the other side of the room; guilt evident in his own actions. Barry moves slowly, dully, and tiredly, almost as if he was a zombie. An emotionless zombie.

Maybe Barry did this to himself on purpose, because if you can't feel, you can't get hurt, right?

It sickened Cisco to realize that he had driven Barry to this point. But not just by himself; many others had helped him to achieve that goal. But he's begun to realize just how much his own actions had affected Barry, and that the deep loathing inside of him, had actually been more of an anger at the world and self-loathing because he hadn't spent enough time with Dante.

Cisco had never told him how much he'd meant to him. So, no, he hadn't really been mad at Barry, maybe a little, but not as mad at him as he had been mad at himself. Cisco realizes this, right before an alarm goes off overhead.

An alarm for a mission.

Barry glances at Joe who stands across the room, and speeds off to change into his Flash suit. Cisco shakes off all of his thoughts, as he and Caitlin read the mission alert and explain to Barry when he returns.

Cisco tries to use a gentler tone, but it's as if Barry doesn't notice. Cisco knows that dread fills his voice as he explains that the mission is against that same meta-human who causes paralysis and bad memories. Barry simply nods with a swallow, knowing that this has to happen in order to stop the man from terrorizing Central City any longer.

"Hey, Barry," Cisco calls out before he can leave and Barry turns around, jaw tense as if he's awaiting a verbal beating. Cisco sighs. "Be careful out there, okay?" He says and Barry nods, before he's gone in a yellow blur.

Little did Cisco know what those words would mean to him in the future.

It's later on, when they suddenly hear Barry stop talking as he faces the villain, silence for an eery five seconds, before his breathing becomes heavier and quiet and desperate pleads come through the comms.

They all share a worried glance, and Cisco feels his heart practically beating out of his chest, because Barry _doesn't beg like that_.

It goes on for another minute, one of the longest minutes of Cisco's life, before they suddenly lose connection with Barry over the comms. Cisco immediately stands up and looks at Barry's vitals that are on display for the whole lab to see.

"No, no, no, no, no, this can't be happening." He declares when he sees the vitals dropping at a steady and rapid pace. They're nearly flat lining. "Damn it, Barry! Don't do this!" Cisco curses as he hits the table. He was just on his way to making amends, and now he might lose him, too?

Suddenly, things are a blur in the lab, as Joe is grabbing his jacket to head towards the fight to get Barry, Caitlin is preparing to use the back-up defibrillators in the suit in case he does flat line, and Cisco just stands there in disbelief, because _how could this be happening_?

Suddenly, a yellow blur speeds into the room and everybody's heads jerk up to watch as Barry stops abruptly, breathing heavily, a horrible choking sound coming from his lips that Cisco knows he'll never forget, and he shares one last glance at everyone in the room, before he collapses to the ground; a shrill and continuous beep filing the air as he flat lined.

Caitlin and Joe are rushing to his side, shouting Barry's as they kneel down next to him, but Cisco finds that he can't move.

It's almost as if his feet are glued to the ground as all he can do is stare at Barry's limp form; the blood gushing out of a stab wound in his chest.

 _Right where his heart is_.

Even a speedster can't escape that without consequences. He watches as they try to resuscitate him, the buzzing of the defibrillators filling the air almost as loud as the continuous beep.

He can't go through this again...he just can't. He can't lose another brother. He had just began to get him back.

He can't just lose him.

He can't have Barry's final thoughts of Cisco being that the man hates him to the core. He can't feel that same regret he did with Dante; only that this one would be a much more heavy burden to bare. He can't lose him.

 _God, he can't lose him_.

But if he lives...will they ever get the real Barry back?

The one whose smile lit up a room every time he walked in? He knew that the answer was no. Barry would never be fully back.

Because you can't fix something broken without a few cracks still showing.

Cisco feels the tears in his eyes as he looks at Barry lying on the cold ground; Joe's and Caitlin's hands slick with a crimson red that proved that this situation was all too real, as they tried and tried to bring Barry back to life. In the back of Cisco's mind, a part of him whispered that it's hopeless, and a part of him believed it, too.

But he didn't want to.

Barry couldn't go out like this.

He suddenly felt sick as everything seemed to play out around him in fast motion, while he was still stuck on slow motion.

He distantly heard somebody shouting his name, but all he could do was stare at Barry's _dead_ body, praying that he comes back, because _he can't lose another brother_.

But part of him knew that even if he did come back, things would never be the same. Cisco could never bring Barry back fully after everything he had done to him. That same person is shouting his name, maybe more than one, he isn't sure, all he can do is stare and beg to any God out there.

He feels almost numb.

He finally snaps to his sense, and rushes over to Barry's side to help, the sight of Barry up close, filing him with even more dread and regret. Cisco performs CPR as Caitlin rushes around to try and save Barry. But Cisco can't feel anything besides that dread that's filling him up.

Because even if they can bring Barry back...

He feared that the hero was already gone.

* * *

 **So...yeah. There ya' have it. Thoughts? Want another chapter? Want another story from Barry's P.O.V. of this? Let me know with a review! ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I DID IT! I finally did it, you guys. Thank God. I first wrote this on what, the same day as the Superbowl!? That's been a long time. So, anywho, this is from Barry's P.O.V., and there's definitely another part to this, so keep an eye out for that. ;P Also! Thanks so much for being so patient and understanding, you guys! Life's stressful and I'm glad that you all understand. :) Now, remember, listen to your saddest song while reading this. ;D And you guys are seriously so awesome. Like, these reviews are so amazing to me and keep me motivated!**

 **HeroInTraining: Thank you so much! Also, I love your username! ;)**

 **isherloki: Thank you! I hope you like this continuation. ;)**

 **Darklightningstorm: Tysm! And I guess we'll just have to see. ;)**

 **KDesai: Aww, thank you so much! I always love getting your reviews. :)**

 **Tif S: TYSM! Aww, I love this review!**

 **Moni Hasnone: Okay, I freakin' love this review! :) I honestly love reactions, too! And just thank you so much! And aww, haha, but your stories are so awesome! ;) Thanks so much! It truly means a lot!**

 **DragonsintheMoonlight: You are so awesome. This literally meant so much to me! And EXACTLY! It's like you can read my thoughts, cuz I think the exact same thing! The way they've been treating is so unfair. I mean, he literally is so selfless, and yet they all tear him down. It's honestly so annoying at times. The crossover, gosh, that was really annoying and so totally unfair. They've done a LOT worse. Especially recently. But yeah, enough of my ranting, lol; thanks again so much and I really hope you like this addition as well! And I'll try to incorporate a few of your ideas. ;)**

 **: Really!? Well, I'm so glad I could help! ;) Thanks so much because I honestly love these types of reviews as they motivate me to keep writing. ;)**

 **And to all of the Guests: TYSM and I hope you like this one as well!**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own a thing. Got it?**

* * *

The first time it happens, Barry tries to ignore it.

He tries to ignore the cruel words that spew out of Cisco's mouth and sink into his damaged heart. But the words...they hit home. There was a meta-human that needed to be tracked down for the CCPD, and he didn't want to bother Cisco, so he had decided to try and do it himself.

What a mistake that had been.

The next thing Barry had known, something was on the screen, and he was shoved out of the way harshly, as Cisco tried to stop a virus from forming on his computer. Long story short, the Meta had set up a virus for anybody who tried to track him.

And Barry had been the unfortunate soul to have it. Everything had turned out alright, but Barry wouldn't forget the words Cisco had said to him. Cisco may never remember everything he had said to Barry, but Barry forever would. But Cisco deserved to hate Barry so much.

Sure, he had never outright told Barry he hated him, but Barry knew.

He had killed his brother...inadvertently, but did that even matter?

He had been selfish, and the ones he loved had suffered dearly. So didn't he deserve this? Maybe. Maybe not.

All he knew was that the computer was fixed, Cisco had forbade him from ever using it, using a very creative way to tell him, somehow twisting it back to Flashpoint, before shoving him out of the way and leaving the room; muttering under his breath about how incompetent Barry was.

So Barry ignored the words, ignored the tears on his cheeks, and ignored the way his heart twisted in misery. Maybe Cisco didn't mean it. Maybe he was just coping with the loss of his brother.

But deep down Barry knew the truth.

Cisco hated him, and Barry didn't blame him one bit.

...

The second time it happens, Barry is drowning and begins to believe he can never pull back up to be saved.

It's midnight.

And he shouldn't be here, but where else is he supposed to go? Nobody's here, so nobody can find him in this weak and compromising position. Cisco can't find him and make him feel any worse, or reveal his weakness to everybody else.

This was the only place he could go. He tilted his head back until it fell against the wall, and didn't even notice his fingers fiddling with each other as the tears continued to roll down his moistened cheeks. Today had been...bad. _Miserable_ to be exact. That meta-human he had been tracking?

They'd finally found him. And the Flash had gone after him, only to fail miserably.

 _Don't you always?_

A mocking voice whispered from the back of his mind, and he screwed his eyes shut, breath hitching as he continued to cry quietly. _Weak. Pathetic. That's all you are, isn't it, Barry Allen? Screwing up everyone's lives is just your thing, isn't it?_ He lightly shook his head, trying to shove the words out of his head.

He had failed the mission that morning. And Cisco had decided that Barry needed to be punished for that.

He distantly wondered if Cisco knew that Barry felt punished enough, already.

Failing a mission always bothered Barry. But this particular mission would haunt Barry forever. He had been doing so much better. He had been _healing_. But then all of _this_ had happened.

His father's death, Flashpoint and having to _beg_ Thawne to kill his mother, coming back to find that everyone's lives were messed up and it _was his fault_. It had broken him down once again.

And then he just had to relive every single one of those heartbreaking moments again. So when he had come back, he didn't blame Cisco for yelling at him, because as Cisco had said, 'once again Barry Allen had screwed up'. It was true.

No matter how hard he tried, Barry only made things worse.

And now his decisions were effecting everyone's lives. So when Cisco had told him that he always failed, and that he truly was weak and pathetic, Barry didn't bother to stop him, because he _believed_ him. It took Joe intervening to stop Cisco. But Joe hadn't done it near soon enough. Because everyday Barry was breaking.

And with each word that Cisco spoke, Barry felt himself being pushed towards the edge more and more.

And with each passing day, he feared he would fall and never return.

...

The third time it happens, Barry realizes that crying isn't a strong enough release.

He's too numb to cry.

So he heads to the training room and straight towards the punching bag; fingers aching to release some pent up emotions. But he thinks about Eddie teaching him, and can't help the pang in his heart, knowing that he had sacrificed himself for nothing.

So Barry hits, and he punches, until he's sure that it's way past time for him to leave. But it just _feels so good_ to be able to finally release what he's been feeling. He thinks about what Cisco had told him earlier that day.

Thud.

 _"Hey, Cisco, can you help me with this a second?"_ Barry had asked, a naive hope forming when he thought that maybe he could make amends with Cisco in this way.

Thud.

 _"You don't need my help."_ Cisco had declared.

Thud.

 _"You won't ever need my help. I mean, can't the Flash take care of himself?"_

Thud.

 _Scoff. "After all, he only seems to care about himself."_

Thud. Thud. Thud.

 _Snap_.

Barry grunted in pain, recoiling back while simultaneously clutching onto his hand as he realized he had just broken a finger. He inhaled deeply, hardly even coherent of his heavy breathing and the crimson that painted the surrounding area red.

He placed the finger in between his teeth, inhaling briefly, before suddenly yanking down with a sickening crunch. He inhaled sharply, hissing in pain as he wrung out his hands, knowing that it would be healed in only a matter of minutes.

But rather than waiting, Barry decided to continue punching the bag, barely feeling the pain that spread from his finger into the rest of his hand, and ignoring what he could feel.

He deserved this, right?

If Cisco was here, he'd certainly say that he did. So he continues to hit and punch until the sun begins to come up, barely aware of the streaks of light that enters, and barely even processing any coherent thoughts as he stops.

He knows that they'll be coming soon, and he knows that he needs to eat something before he collapses and they find him lying in the training room surrounded by his own blood- _he wonders distantly if anyone would even come find him, or if they would even care once they did_ -but decides to clean everything up as his stomach turns and nearly revolts at the very thought of food.

And that morning when everyone comes in, Barry will already be there, claiming that he had just arrived with everybody's favorite caffeinated morning drinks, and all previous occurrences to happen the night before would be wiped away from existence forever.

Much like the light that was beginning to fade in Barry Allen's eyes would soon be.

...

The fourth time it happens, Barry finally understands.

He understands what Cisco wants. He had come back from fighting a meta-human, almost dying- _again_ -and just barely coming out of it alive. It hadn't been the same meta-human who could control memories- _thank God_ -but that didn't mean that they couldn't deliver a beating.

And so when he woke up in Star Labs, much like he always did, after passing out in an alleyway near Star Labs; not having enough energy left in him to make it the rest of the way, he had once again held a naive hope that maybe _this_ could mend their relationships.

Maybe him nearly dying could fix what had been broken between them. _Stupid. You should have known; you can't fix broken things_. A voice whispers in the back of his mind, and he knows that it's right. Maybe he was aware of it the entire time.

But that didn't stop him from hoping.

Yet when he woke up, that was when he finally realized how Cisco felt. How everyone felt. But most importantly, he started to realize how he, himself, felt.

And so, maybe that's the reason Caitlin's and Cisco's words keep repeating in his head like a broken record.

 _"You're_ very _lucky to be alive, Barry."_

 _"Unlike Dante. But we all know the reason for that, now don't we?"_

He understood it now. Cisco had wanted Barry to die that day instead of Dante.

And Barry's found himself agreeing with Cisco more and more everyday.

...

The fifth time it happens, Barry realizes that training isn't a strong enough release anymore.

So he resorts to something his high school self had promised he would never do again; he cut. He cut for each and every loss in his life, for each failure, and for every thing about Flashpoint.

For everything that happened in Flashpoint, and most importantly, for everything that had been a result of Flashpoint. He doesn't remember when he stopped, all he remembers is waking up in his room, a bloodied knife next to him and completely smooth arms.

Not one hint of a scar or _anything_ , except the blood.

Somehow, it made him think of Flashpoint all over again; all previous occurrences had been wiped away from existence, no signs of anything prior, except for the side effects. Blood, unconsciousness, and a rusty, bloodied knife. The cause of it all.

And from that day- _night?_ -forward, things only proceeded to get worse. He could hardly go a day without cutting- _God, how he hated that word_ -because he had finally found his release. His release was inflicting pain on himself. Ironic, huh? Barry can only imagine what Cisco would say.

Would he believe that Barry deserved it?

Would he try to stop him?

He finds out his answer a week later. He's standing in Star Labs, supposedly by himself, at least, that's what he had thought, when he just gets this _overwhelming_ urge to _cut_. It's blinding for a moment, because he tries to tell himself _no_.

This isn't _good_. But why the heck not? He deserves the pain. He deserves it all. He deserves it, _he deserves it_. He deserves to _die_. He deserves a punishment for all of the pain he's caused.

So that's why he stands in Star Labs, slashing at his arms by the sink- _because he may be broken but he can't let people know_ -when suddenly there's a voice asking what he's doing, and he's rinsing his wrists off at super speed, and claiming it's nothing when really _can't you see I'm dying inside?_

It's Cisco he realizes, and he's asking Barry why he does it and Barry doesn't understand- _you did this to me. Don't you get it?_ -but Cisco keeps pushing. He claims it's not healthy, but Barry doesn't understand why. It isn't like he's going to kill himself- _but you deserve it. You deserve it_ -and they disappear so _why do you care?_

He's stupid to do it, and he knows it, but still Barry allows himself to hope, because maybe, just _maybe_ Cisco really does care and has all this time.

But then Cisco hesitates with an answer that re-breaks Barry Allen's heart all over again. So Barry leaves with the wish that he never had to come back. There's only one true way, he realizes, of self-release.

It's _death_.

But he can't commit suicide, oh no, he could _never_ do that. He can't be _that_ burden. He can't do that to his family- _whether or not they would care is debatable to him_ -when he's already been such a burden before.

So he becomes reckless and he fights meta-humans, only to get injured and barely make it out alive, but somehow he _always does_. And he can't help but curse Star Labs and his super healing that no matter what he makes it out _alive_. Because even criminals get one phone call. One chance at freedom. And isn't that what he was now? A criminal?

So he keeps fighting, keeps 'saving the day' even though he's broken inside and _nobody notices_ and _nobody cares_ but that's _okay_ because they never _have_. He's a criminal who's never going to get his phone call because he's _Barry Allen_.

And Barry Allen isn't that lucky.

...

The sixth time it happens, Barry finds his release.

There's a mission alert. It's for that meta-human who can control memories, and everyone is worried, but Barry...Barry just feels _numb_.

Like the world is moving on around him, without him, and he's stuck in the same place, watching helplessly. Cisco stops him, and tells him to be careful, but Barry doesn't understand- _don't you hate me? Didn't you want me dead?_ -so he simply nods and takes off; barely coherent of what they're saying over the comms.

He's focusing, but somehow nothing is clear, and he tries- _God, does he try. He's always tried_ -but somehow suddenly he's stuck in paralysis and he falls to the ground, reliving his mother's death as he struggles against it telling himself _it's not real, it's not real_ , but it doesn't stop it.

Doesn't make a difference.

He failed to save her, even though he's begging, _please, stop, please,_ nothing happens.

And from then on, it only continues as he can feel a presence approaching him, but he can't seem to stop himself from focusing on the blood stain on his father's chest as he falls to the ground. There's something in the back of his mind telling him to _run, Barry, run,_ and he isn't sure if it's his subconscious or someone over the comms- _they're still there, this isn't real_ -but he can't seem to listen to the wise words.

He's frozen.

Yet he can still feel the approach of an unwanted enemy, but can't bring himself to care as he watches Thawne kill his mother all over again in the end of Flashpoint. Next up there's Killer Frost, and there's Cisco yelling at him, and there's hatred and there's disgust, and Cisco's words keep repeating in his head over and over like a broken lullaby. _Broken_.

 _"Sorry doesn't change anything."_

It doesn't. He knows that, _he knows that_. But it's all he can ever do.

Suddenly the world around him dissolves into a dark building and he hears strained breathing- _wait, that's me_ -before suddenly there's man in front of him holding a sliver, long knife, and Barry has no time to react before his world erupts in red and pain blossoms across his chest. He gasps loudly in shock, before a choking sensation envelops his throat and mouth; staining his tongue in crimson.

All he can taste is as he suddenly jumps up, fighting a wave of nausea and dizziness as he attempts to run- _run, Barry, run,_ -towards Star Labs.

His legs stumble and he nearly falls halfway there, but miraculously he makes it to the corridor of Star Labs in a matter of seconds. This is it. He knows it just as well as he knows that the blood on his chest is from a fatal wound that not even he can recover from. It's his time.

And he's okay with it.

So he takes one last look at the people in front of him that he once considered family- _even though, they're still his family and they always will be because he loves them and nothing can change that_ -before he feels his legs weaken and he hits the ground; consciousness fading away. He was finally getting his release...he was finally free.

This was his punishment and somehow his savior. He had been living his life as the Flash for so long, it was only fitting for him to die as the Flash.

As a failure.

Barry Allen had died the same day as his father, and the Flash had taken his place. And he knew that this would be the end for him. But yet no matter what happens, it doesn't matter whether or not the Flash makes it.

Because Barry Allen was already gone.

* * *

 **Boom. *drops the mic* What cha' all think!? Let me know with a review! I strive on those things. ;)**


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